just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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