I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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