I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Randomize
