I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
