Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
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