they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
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