i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Randomize
