i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
you didnt know i had herpes?
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
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