so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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