That's when you crack a 10am beer
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I wish there were birth control emojis
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
