Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Randomize
