So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Randomize
