Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Randomize
