Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
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