im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
