If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
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