I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
