I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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