This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
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