I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
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