I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
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