Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
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