in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
You are the jesus of drinking
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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