He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
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