The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
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