I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
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