Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
