Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Randomize
