atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
