If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
How does it feel to date your dad?
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
