hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
