Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
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