my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
