the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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