I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
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