You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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