I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
they call him Oral-B. enough said
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
