she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
Randomize