You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
