somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
