We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize