just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize
