so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
