Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
