you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize
