you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Randomize
