Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Randomize
