Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Randomize
