A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
