OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
