I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
I currently don't understand fingers.
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