I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
You can't special order awesome
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Randomize
