my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
