There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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