then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
