dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
