Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
