I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
