her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
My bed smells like the plague
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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