My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
I pour the whiskey from now on
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
Randomize
