in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
