Where did you get a picture of my penis
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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