dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
